Monday, March 23, 2009

Feeling kinda low...

I had a great day at work today. I stayed busy and that does the job for me. But, I came home to get the kids off of the bus this afternoon and it just hit me. As I was standing at the top of our driveway I just had a heavy feeling of sadness dump over me. I started thinking about Cody and the way he would walk up the hill after he got off of the bus. The other two kids would be bickering but he would have this calmness about him. Maybe he was tired or the work needed to get up the hill just made him not get involved in the annoying argument taking place next to him. For whatever reason it was just Cody.

There was something primal or spiritual to that moment today. It's a beautiful day, sunny but cool and a gentle breeze that makes it perfect. I kinda stuck my nose in the air and took a deep breath. I don't know, maybe I was trying to smell my boy again. I caught myself talking to the breeze and the trees somehow thinking that Cody is out there watching or listening to me. I was kinda hoping that he would talk back to me. Oh how I miss him. This place just isn't the same without him.

Justin is in the other room playing a wrestling video game. It's a game that was a favorite of Cody and Justin. I use to remember hearing Cody say things like "that was a cool move right Justin?" Or "Justin, if we beat this guy do we fight the big boss?" Now all I hear is the sound of Justin working the controller. The volume is turned way down and he isn't saying a word. He is missing Cody as much as anybody. He seems to be trying to stay away as much as possible. He says that there is nothing to do without Cody here.

Cody is everywhere in this house. His clothes, his toys, his drawings or some papers with little Cody sayings written on them. His favorite drinks in the fridge and snacks in the cupboard. All of them bring back memories of him but they can't bring him back. Oh what I would give to get a chance to hold him again. Or, to have him sit on my lap and play the Pirate video game again.

Cody, you know that Mommy, Daddy, Justin and Daniela love you and miss you!!!

42 comments:

Dawn said...

Dont know what to say--every word is inadequate--just eyes watering trying to imagine the unimaginable--I am so so sorry.

Crystal Mason said...

I don't think that anyone, that hasn't been in this predicament, know's what to say. As a mother, I can only imagine what you are going through. I know that you are trying to stay strong. We will continue to pray for you!

Anonymous said...

Today's moments will come over the rest of your lives. Our children are an eternal part of us. At some point, I think the clear memories will give more comfort than grief.
I love the "tat". Your friends and family are so correct. Cody would love it!
Looking forward to your web site and fund raising. You know you'll have a lot of support. A race is a great idea!
Love to all of you. G2G

Anonymous said...

Mickey, I haven't been near a computer to check your blog in a few days. These are rough days for you and your family. Sometimes you don't need to talk, just listen or hold Dianne or the kids.

As I was reading your future plans that you wrote the other day, I knew that this is your future. this will help you all to heal as you celebrate Cody's life and work towards obliterating the "beast". I wish you and Diane the best in your future endeavors. Who knows one day this may be as popular all over the world as "Race for the Cure".
Teresa (tcoplen)

Donnetta said...

My heart aches for you all. There's nothing I can say except I'm praying for you all to find some peace every day and for each day that peace to encompass more and more.

mommaof4wife2r said...

words just fail me, i'm going to be honest...i am so thankful you all have such things around to bring you fond memories of cody. his snacks and his clothes and his games, they are all pieces of memories of cody...praying for you all.

Cameron said...

I am so sorry Mickey. But, I do know that Cody heard you. Perhaps he sent the wind as a gentle reminder. He is with you always. I left something in Cody's honor on Cameron's blog for you. I hope you like it.

Glorybelle said...

I have a feeling it will get harder before it gets easier. But you, Diane, Justin and Daniela need to cling to one another (in spirit if not literally) and be there for each other. Hold on to Cody's memory any way that you need to. He IS there, in the trees and on the breeze. I don't doubt that for a millisecond. You take the time to grieve, Mickey. Take all the time in the world. We are here praying for all of you and thinking of you. You're not alone.

BIG MO said...

Mickey, while reading your post today it was sad but at the same time it was also beautiful the way you expressed your thoughts and feelings.
It made a person feel like they were there experiencing
the same thing as you. Cody will
always be there and he knew how much he was loved. Someday you &
Diane should write a book about
your Brave Big Guy. I'll be checking in another day. LOVE &
KISSES to you all.... MOM

Tiffany said...

I am praying for you all, reading this tonight makes me hurt for you all, IM sooo sorry for you guys, and praying for you,
Tiffany in TN

Samantha said...

I don't have any words, nothing is adequate or comforting. I've started, deleted and restarted this post so many times, nothing that is enough, comes out.
I think of you all everyday and wish you the peace that will eventually come with time... my heart aches for you all. I know you are trying hard to stay strong for everyone... don't forget to take care of yourself too.

I am so, very, very sorry.
Sam

Anonymous said...

Missing someone so much isn't always about the big events like Christmas or birthdays. It is in the simple small things that quickly come that your heart will break. I feel that these times are when God is wanting you to know that Cody is okay now. Yes, the trees and the wind are all a part of Cody and the memories that these things bring will slowly change from this unbearable grief to happy memories of your son.

May God wrap you all in His loving arms and help you all get through this time.

Ann Stegall
Wake Forest, NC

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your sadness and pray for your peace and just hope that you know that Cody is smiling down on you and knows how much you miss and love him.

Samantha said...

Cody is better now, he is happy, he is cured... I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. God had plans for your boy... He is in loving hands... I continue to pray for your family.

Dottie O said...

You will meet Cody in all kinds of places, I think. Some of the places will be sad reminders and others will be havens of comfort and joyful memories.

KM said...

Oh the times it hits you.... you just never know when it will do you? I know I think I'm good for a while, and then something like that will hit me after loosing someone.

Hang in there with your spouse.... we women are just different creatures in how we deal with things.

Kathy

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you all know that we are thinking of you. When it gets a little bit warmer, we are going to plant a tree in our yard for Cody. The boys are going to chose it.

the feet family (kate)

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, these are the moments. Reality can hit you hard in what should be pleasant moments, if only things were as they should be.

Your family remains in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Mickey, Embrace those memories and cherish them. Rely on your faith and know that as difficult as it is for you here on earth, Cody is up in Heaven with the opportunity to spend time with our Lord and Savior!
God Bless,
Bruce

Monica Cassier said...

To paraphrase an old song... You'll be seeing Cody in all the old familiar places...
GB said it best...
Hang in there friend.
Monica

Super B's Mom said...

I cannot begin to understand what your family is going through. But I pray for you all daily in hopes that God feels your hearts with peace as you work through this time of grief.

Also, the tattoo is GREAT.

Anonymous said...

Mickey you will always have those moments. They are hard but know that one day it won't be just an ache because you miss him. One day a moment like yesterday's will happen again and it will be a blend of longing for him but also great joy at having loved him and having been able to spent time with him. Cody will always be with you. The same for Diane, Justin and Daniela. Cody will always be with them in some way.

Hang in there!

Susan and Jonathan

Anonymous said...

Mickey, I'm far from home right now but Cody and family remain in my thoughts and prayers. Peace, strength, hope, love.
Tamara (Runlonger)

Becky said...

Bless you guys. We think about you lots. We were at the beach last week and I tried to message you on the hotel computer but wasn't sure you got it. The beach is Cody now to my family. My 9 year old wrote "Cody" in the sand every day. My 17 daughter took a photo which I (totally technologically challenged!) will try to send to you. Thank you for sharing with us.
We pray for you to have strengh. Love you. Know that Cody lives on in our hearts.

waitingarms said...

Thinking of you and your family and praying that you may feel God's comfort and peace as you endure this most horrible sorrow of sorrows.

Blessings to you and your family.

christianswithcancer said...

I sit here in tears as I type this to you, Mickey. I can only say that each day, the sun will rise. Each day will bring with it the ability to cope a little easier than the day before. I am praying for you, my friend! I wish I was at Progeny so I could tease you and have you pick up that piece of paper that was always in my way ;-)

God bless you!!! Kate

Trish said...

I am so sorry you hurt. I check back often to see how you are doing. I am sorry for the pain you feel. Allow yourself to feel everything that comes with this. Each day is different, some easy, some not so. I've suffered loss and nobody ever had the right words for me. Yet here I stand better than I was three years ago. It is truly a journey that you do not walk alone....however, we don't walk it with you because no-one could know what you feel no matter what they say. But, God walks this with you. Please talk to Him and cry with Him and listen to Him. I'm sad for you but faithful and trusting that He will have the rights words and bring the right people into your life at this time.

Anonymous said...

Mickey, I think of you, Diane, Justin and Daniela every day. Thanks for still sharing Cody's memory with everyone through your blog. Sending you strength to make it through these difficult times and wishing peace for all of you.
Karen S. in Alexandria

wy-not said...

Little Cody left a strong legacy of love that will keep him close to you for the rest of your days. Can you feel his lovely spirit flying free and glorious all around you? I hope so, and I hope it lifts you up. Because the loneliest phrase in our language has to be, "I miss you." You love him, and he loves you back with a feeling so powerful it can never ever be broken.

Aggie said...

We will continue to pray for you and your family daily. I can only imagine how much you must be missing Cody.

Anonymous said...

We think about all of you every day, and Cody. We wish you strength and thank you for sharing this with us.

Is it too late to still make a donation? If it would be easier we can wait for the website to come up, but we'd like to make a donation now and on-going.

MangoAK said...

Mickey-

I can only understand so much- as I have not lost a child. But- Yes- Cody is out there- and your comment that you were hoping he would talk back to you- I've so often thought that about my dad since he passed almsot two years ago. I still cry sometimes waiting to hear dads voice- somtimes I do though not often. I've finally realized that he is there all the time- even if I don't always hear his voice. I can't believe anything else.

Cody is still with you. He is there- listen carefully and you will hear him. He is trying to comfort all of you. He wants you to be happy. He wants you to continue fighting for what he fought for. He will always be with you. Take comfort in the wonderful memories you have of him- but also in the meaning of his life. Take comfort in knowing how much he has touched so many, many lives- and how much he will continue for many years to touch so many lives. You can take great pride in knowing what Cody has done for so many in such a short time. Cody has done more than most of us will ever do.

My heart breaks for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Diane, and your kids. And my thoughts and prayers are with Cody.

Donna

Anonymous said...

Mickey, just focus on what’s important now — not what’s important tomorrow or what was important yesterday. A great saying is “Today’s accomplishments were yesterday’s impossibilities.” I bet you thought on Sunday looking toward Monday and going back to work would be overwhelming - but it wasn’t - it was a good day.

You ended that “good” day with happy thoughts of Cody - remembering how he would walk up the hill - I bet you could almost see him going toward the house. Mickey, never be afraid to sit awhile and think. Enjoy your Cody moments - he’s right there in your minds-eye for you to remember him by.

Maybe the next time Justin is playing a “Cody” game you could mention to him that you remember how much Cody loved playing the games with him. Maybe you could offer to play a short game with him.

It is so easy to get focused on the child that died that we “forget” our living children. They need to be made part of the grieving process; they need to know it is okay to say Cody’s name, that it is okay to say, “I really miss Cody today.” They need to know that Mommy and Daddy still love them and want to hug them.

Stay strong - this grief stuff is a very, very hard and long journey!

Hugs, Pat (ACCA-NCC)

Lorette said...

I have been following your blog for some time now, and being a mother myself, I wish to send you thousands of warm hugs and loads of love to help you heal. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. God bless, Lorette, South Africa

Anonymous said...

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/message.cfm?l=eng&cid=8074426

Anonymous said...

Or http://miniurl.com/8958

Kristie said...

You and your family are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Mickey I think you are going to find yourself remembering a lot of "Cody" moments in the days, months, and years to come and I think that is great. Cody had a way about him, my favorite memory of him was his 3rd birthday when he hopped right on his little "Harley" and just started zipping around the yard. I hope you all continue to talk about him and relive your favorite memories with each other. I also hope that missing Cody brings you, Diane, Justin and Daniella closer together as you all need each other now more than ever to help each other moving forward.
Stay strong!

Dan
ACCA

Anonymous said...

Love the tat...I was walking the pups earlier and a little boy ran up to daffy and it was all I could do not to lose it in front of him. Needless to say the rest of walk was peaceful and full of thoughts... Thinking of you in WV...
Cheryl

Mommy of a miracle said...

I don't really know what to say other then I am so very sorry. Thank you for sharing Cody with us all.

The Eadle Family said...

I don't really know what to say, except that I will be praying for you, and that Cody will always be with you, and someday, you will be together again.

Anonymous said...

Mr. Johnson, I'm sorry for you and your family. I was in Justin's 4th grade class with Mrs. Grant and Mrs.Miller. My friend told me on the phone that Cody died and I was heart broken. I cried in my bed for hours. I know how it feels to have a family member die. Justin was a good friend to me. And how he sad makes me feel sad too. Tall Justin that Megan T. said Hi and be strong. Tell me what he says.