How could I have known?

When I got out of bed this morning I had so much on my mind, most of it work related. Deadlines, commitments and obligations all things that I have really been thriving on to tell you the truth. Now that all seems so trivial.

Cody has been feeling a little out of sorts lately with what we thought was a stomach virus. It turns out that it is much, much worse than that. We rushed him to Georgetown today because his pediatrician discovered Cody's liver was very large. Knowing Cody's past he didn't want to speculate on what my be going on. He called Cody's oncology doctor and she said bring him right in. After examining him, his doctor sent us down for CT scans. When she got the results our lives changed forever, again.

We won't know for sure until Friday but it appears that Cody's cancer has returned. We don't really know how or why but it appears that some bad cells remained hidden when Cody had his stem cell transplant. He is scheduled to have a biopsy done on Friday morning. We will know exactly what his is dealing with then. He is already in allot of pain. My wife and I wonder if he is going to be able to make it until they can start treatment. This tumor appears to be growing very quickly and the doctor says it is situated right near a major artery. I will write more later...

As I was writing this morning Cody and Mom came out and sat on the couch. Cody is very uncomfortable and even more so when laying down. Just moments after taking a drink of water he lost everything that he had in his stomach. I don't know if we will make it through the day. He didn't eat well yesterday and if he can't keep things down then they will be putting him on an IV.

Just for the sake of venting I'd like to tell you a little about how our day went yesterday.
After our arrival at Georgetown and the doctor examined his belly she said that his liver felt large but smooth. That meaning she thought that it was just swollen from infection possibly. I continued to hold on to the chance that there was something else that could be wrong with him. Diane and I are wired much differently. She has been worrying about this happening since the last chemo treatment. I on the other hand believed that if I didn't let myself think the worse, it wouldn't happen. When the doctor returned from reading Cody's CT scans she called us into her office. When she told us what they had discovered it was like someone had punched me in the stomach. It was like the worst nightmare imaginable. How could this happen again? He had the most aggressive treatment and a stem cell transplant the last time he went through this. His treatment was so hard on him the last time we nearly lost him because of bleeding in his lungs as a result of one of the chemo drugs. No child should ever have to go through this. To go through it once is not fair, but to go through it a second time is unspeakable. How do I explain this to him? I'm suppose to protect him from bad things. How do I explain it my other children? They will automatically think it was something they did, a fight or argument with Cody over something silly.
After the doctor told me I cried. Diane cried again and again. When the doctor started talking about the plan of attack it became oh so real. The biopsy tomorrow will help determine if it is the same cancer that he had before. The rapid growth of this thing says it is the same. They will do a nuclear bone scan after that to determine if it has spread. Oh God I pray it hasn't. They will also install a broviac (spelling) in his chest again. This is used to administer drugs so they don't have to keep sticking him with a needle. When I bathed him last night I couldn't help but cry when I saw the little scars from his last broviac and where they removed his tumors. Although he seems very healthy on the outside, he has never gained a tremendous amount of weight. Maybe they will start chemo this weekend. The fact that he is becoming more and more uncomfortable I kinda hope they will but I think it will be on Monday. The doctor also mentioned they will be need go up to Sloane-Kettering in New York. They are on the cutting edge of cancer treatment and it was their protocol that Cody followed the last time.

One possible plan is that they may use Monoclonal Antibodies. This a treatment that Cody was selected for before but we decided that he was too weak from his previous treatment and couldn't handle that. Now it may be the only option. They have had good results so far but nothing is guaranteed.

We just want to get through today. We want to have one more day of semi normal life before he has to go through this hell again. More later.....