Saturday, November 22, 2008

Nice quiet ride to New York....

So as I make my way out of D.C. by train I fumble with my laptop trying to get comfortable. The drop down tray doesn’t work properly and the laptop leans hard to the right which would make it almost impossible to type. I’m in the quiet car this time. No loud talking or use of cell phones, this is just the place for me. It seems that every time I’ve ridden the train before I get close to someone who talks nonstop the whole way from D.C. to New York. So far I’m lucky enough to be sitting by myself. I must stink or something. :)

I really do enjoy the train much more than flying. You don’t have those stupid security lines. You know the ones that don’t allow you to have large containers of shampoo or toothpaste for fear that you would use them to blow the plane up. The lines that make you take your shoes off so you have to make sure you don’t have holes in you socks. In a train you can get up and walk around when you want. They have a bar car! Yes! Not that I spend much time drinking on the train but it is nice to have a beer when you want one. Sure the trip itself is longer but if you take away the security line, the two hour early rule and the fact that a flight almost never leaves on time it is almost as quick up to New York.

My eyes feel tired right now but I just can’t get comfortable enough to fall asleep. This gives me time to put some thoughts down in writing. Most of my blog entries come at the end of a very long day or in the morning before leaving for work or in this case before heading to the hospital with Cody.

Many times I catch myself reflecting about the person I am and where I’ve been in my lifetime. I’ve wasted so much of my life always wanting more. I wanted more money and more possessions. I always thought that if I had done things differently I would’ve achieved so much more. I still find myself feeling that way from time to time. But now I have more important things to worry about.

I often wonder what my children are going to think of me when they grow up. Despite the outward appearance that many of you may see I’m not always the perfect Dad. I feel I’m not as patient and loving with my children as I should be. I wish I were the loving, understanding and nurturing father that I see in others. I wish I were the kind of father that my kids would brag about. The kind of father that they could and would come and tell me anything that was troubling them. But that doesn’t seem to be the kind of father I am. I’m far too judgmental and quick to criticize instead of listening and lending a shoulder to cry on. I’m too impatient with my kids. I don’t think I allow them to be kids at times, always telling them “quit wrestling in there or sit down and be quite. I tell them to quit running around the house before you break something. That actually takes me back to my own childhood. I remember eating dinner in the kitchen with my 3 brothers and 3 sisters. My mother would eat in the living room so she could get some peace and quiet. I can hear her right now saying “quit laughing and joking around out there or I’m going to come out there and beat all of you with the wooden spoon.” That always seem to have the opposite effect that she wanted. It usually made me laugh when she said it and, well, you know what happened next. That was actually one of the good times I remember. LOL Getting hit with a wooden spoon, now that is good times. LOL OK, let me get back on track here. I don’t think I provide my kids with a good adult roll model. I cuss too much and yet I jump on them when I hear them repeating what I say. “And I wonder where Cody gets it from.” What will they tell their kids about me when I’m gone?

I look in the mirror and see an old man. Gray is taking over my beard. My hairline is migrating to the back of my neck. My George Atlas body has betrayed me. LMAO! My feet and ankles ache when I first get up out of bed in the morning. Where has my youth gone? Where has my life gone? It seems like only yesterday that I was envious of older guys because they seemed to have it all together and have so much stuff. Now I’m envious of guys in their 20’s and 30’s because they seem to have so much ahead of them. Will I ever be truly happy with what and who I am? What is happiness? Is it a place, a time in your life or just a state of mind? Are some people just destined to always want something more?

Please excuse me for my rambling. That’s why I started this blog for in the first place… :)

It’s Saturday morning and Diane and Cody are still in bed. I figured I would finish this post up and get it online. Diane said Cody didn’t have much pain at all yesterday. That is usually the case at the end of the week. I’m not sure what we have planned for this morning, I guess that is up to Cody. I will post when I have more info for you all, or if I have any ramblings that I can put down into words.

I have to add this little story. Last night we were lying on the bed together playing poker with Cody when he started to get this serious look on his face. He looked at me and said "Daddy I don't want to hurt your feelings, but, I'm going to marry Mommy. I think she is kinda pretty." He was very serious when he said it.

Thanks for reading..

8 comments:

Monica Cassier said...

What Mick - YOU'RE NOT A PERFECT PARENT LIKE THE REST OF US?????

Remember Mick: what you see of other parents in public is what they see in you. We all have our foibles and we all get on our kids cases. I think when your kids are adults they will be able to put into context the burden of fear, anger, and stress that you and Diane carried, and will marvel that you were able to still be fantastic parents.

What you are carrying is called GUILT. Let it go. One step, one block, one mile at a time.

Hugs.
Monica

Gettin Older said...

Mickey! NONE OF US ARE PERFECT. I remember far too many beatings with the wooden spoon. From what I have been able to follow, you and Diane are doing a great job after being dealt a terrible hand.

Yeah, you screwed up earlier, but it is not earlier any more. Continue doing the best you can with what you have. You're doing great.

Anonymous said...

Dad,

You've done pretty good in my book....raising 6 kids to be functioning adults without going clinically insane? Even better!!

I do remember Josh running circles around the kitchen table though. Good times!

Love ya,
Corie

BIG MO said...

Mickey, please quit beating your self up.Your kids love you and you have done alot more with your self then alot of people have and
most of all I LOVE YOU and so does
your brothers & sisters.I'm anxious
to hear how you all spent the week
end and certainly hope this week
isn't too painful for Cody. You had
said that Diane would drive up and
bring the other two so you all can
spend Thanksgiving together, is
that still the plan? Hope you take more pic's because I always enjoy
them.Tell Cody grandma loves him a
WHOLE bunch!!!!!!
LOVE, MOM

Gettin Older said...

Mickey, my blog may be of some interest to you and yours...

http://gettinolderss.blogspot.com/

Tell them to spread it around..

Kirk

Anonymous said...

Corie said it so well!! You are a wonder!! I believe that raising four kids and not having the ultimate layer of stress you have was tough enough. I always feel I'm a work in progress. You get first in PG (parental group) !!!!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with all the kids and Diane !!! G2G

Anonymous said...

Mickey, I may not be the best judge, but I think you are doing a great job. You have been dealt a difficult hand are doing with it what you can.

Susan and Jonathan

elizabethnyc said...

Mickey, I don't have kids, so don't have a frame of reference, but from what I can see, you and Diane are doing an amazing amazing job raising your kiddos under very tough circumstances.

Keep your chin up, take a deep breath, and keep moving forward.

Hugs to all, prayers FOR all,
Elizabeth