Friday, January 2, 2009

Stress.......

"A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression."

We don't really need to look up the definition of this word to know what it is. To tell you the truth I can't remember what it's like to live without it. At times it's like having a someone sitting on my chest and I just can't take a deep breath. Other times I just can't seem to completely focus on the task at hand or on what someone is saying to me. Oh how I long for the days of only worrying about deadlines, meetings, running a faster mile, cutting the grass, shoveling the snow from the driveway or what's for dinner. Now those are all welcome distractions from a living hell. As much as I try to totally enjoy the time I have with my kids there is always fear or anxiety of what may be around the corner. As I look at the very complicated dynamics of my family, I kinda see it like one of those performers. You know, the guy that has 20 glass dishes spinning on long sticks. He is constantly working to keep them spinning. If he can't keep all of them going they will come crashing down. Well, in many ways that is the way I see my family. "God forbid" but if things don't turn out the way we all want them to, our lives are going to be a complete mess. The relationship that my family shares is very complicated. I look at Justin and Daniela and I see that they both deserve more. Not material things. They deserve more time with Diane and I. They deserve more of our patience and understanding. But try as we might, I just don't feel like we are getting it done. I know that we are doing all we can do right now but I just don't feel like it is enough. As far as Cody goes, what can I say that I haven't already said. He deserves so much more. He has never really been able to just be a kid. He has endured more than most of us will go through in a lifetime. I don't know if there is any other way to handle him. We spoil him but yet he is subjected to unspeakable things. There are times that I feel I should be more strict with him while at the same time I feel like I'm too hard on him. Diane and I understand how he has to be dealt with but the kids don't. They can never win. If Cody wants to play a game then he raises cane until someone plays with him. If he wants to play by his rules then that is the way it is. Diane and I understand that he needs to have some kind of control in his life. Unfortunately the kids don't quite understand. They just see Cody as being spoiled, being hard to get along with and always getting his way. Through it all, they truly do love him and know that he loves them. Although they have a good idea of what is going on here, I don't think they know how fragile this situation really is. They see Diane crying, they hear us whispering and they overhear the conversations with the doctors on the phone. I feel so bad for them. With these past couple of years and what potentially could happen in the future I see many years of therapy and counseling in their future.

Diane and I handle this stress in very different ways. It grabs her and doesn't let go. She has a hard time keeping it all inside. At times it overwhelms her and comes spilling out. Me on the other hand, I tend to try and not focus so hard on the potential bad things. It doesn't mean that I don't worry about it. It really makes my heart ache to think about it. So as part of my self protective mechanism I focus on other things. I guess time will tell what was the best way to deal with all of this. Right now all I can do is spin dishes and hope they don't all come crashing down.

Thanks for reading....

15 comments:

BIG MO said...

I really & truly wish there were
more I could do but it is still up to GOD and the doctors. As I've said before, I don't know how you
& Diane would be able to kept up if
it weren't for the LOVE you both
have for the kids. Remember
this, I read everthing you say in
the blog and you can say what you
feel and what is on your mind any
time, I'm listening to each & every
word you say. I hurt when you hurt
and I laugh when you say something
funny. I JUST WISH I COULD DO MORE
Check your email later.LOVE TO ALL
MOM

Trish said...

Mickey and Diane - we are with you in spirit and wish we could do more.

The Murrant-Johnson's said...

Mickey,
We love you very much. None of us could know or imagine what you and your family are going through and everyone handles stress differently. But through everything that I read from you I can feel how strong you and Diane have become. Stay strong and keep praying, there are so many people out there that are praying for Cody and your family. We will continue to pray and keep you guys in our thoughts. Love you.
Your little Brother

runnergeel said...

Ahhh Deck. I pray for you and your family everyday....
Karen

Monica Cassier said...

Mick and Diane,

You are the bravest people I know. Please know there are so many people out there supporting and praying for you.

monica

Anonymous said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Not to mention if there is anything we can do let us know.

Susan and Jonathan

pwoodyj said...

Hey Bro,
Hang in there! You and Diane are amazing and the kids know that. They are know and understand more than you think. We all wish we could do more but know that it is in God's hands. I know that there is nothing I can say comfort you in these times but know that we are sending good thoughts and prayers your way. We are human and what we can to comfort and care for one another. We love you guys and send lots of love.

Gettin Older said...

You and I, My wife and Dianne are very much the same. I have been thinking about and praying for you, Cody, and the family quite a bit lately. head to the Mississippi Blues FE pics. I'll drop something in there for you.

Cap'n Ron said...

Hey Buddy! Wish there was something I could do to help make your life easier. If you need anything or just want to talk give me a shout. Give everyone a really big hug.... it'll make you feel a little better anyhow.

Hang in there buddy!

Samantha said...

You are Diane are amazing, don't doubt that for a second. Keep loving, and hugging and praying. Those of us out here in www. land will keep praying too.

Strength to your family,
Sam

Dottie O said...

Mickey and Diane, I have come back several times hoping to put something into words but there seems to be nothing I can add. I tell everyone I can about Cody and your family and how brave I think you all are.

Prayers are continuing,

Dottie

Anonymous said...

Mickey and Diane,
We all are here for you, I often don't know what to say that could help in the time. You both are doing everything possible and what you can't do, God has been there to hold you up so you can continue on. He is the glue and He will never let go. You both are an inspiration to so many and Justin and Daniella have seen your strength and know how you have perservered through the impossible. They have seen the very best in the very worst of situations. You are doing the best.
Love BigSis

elizabethnyc said...

I can only add to what everyone else already said. You and Diane are doing the very best you can, given a horrible set of circumstances, and doing it all with love for your kids in mind. The strength and grace you both show is amazing and inspiring.

Wish there was more we could do to take some of the burden off your shoulders!

Prayers continue...

Gettin Older said...

Mickey, I did not have a great run today. But, thoughts of Cody kept me on the course. Besides, it gave me another hour to pray for him....

Anonymous said...

Mickey, My heart pains for you and your family when I read your post. Life has handed you circumstances more difficult then most have to deal with...and you all are handling it incredibly!

Continued prayers for healing and strength!
God Bless,
Bruce