Stress.......

"A mentally or emotionally disruptive or upsetting condition occurring in response to adverse external influences and capable of affecting physical health, usually characterized by increased heart rate, a rise in blood pressure, muscular tension, irritability, and depression."

We don't really need to look up the definition of this word to know what it is. To tell you the truth I can't remember what it's like to live without it. At times it's like having a someone sitting on my chest and I just can't take a deep breath. Other times I just can't seem to completely focus on the task at hand or on what someone is saying to me. Oh how I long for the days of only worrying about deadlines, meetings, running a faster mile, cutting the grass, shoveling the snow from the driveway or what's for dinner. Now those are all welcome distractions from a living hell. As much as I try to totally enjoy the time I have with my kids there is always fear or anxiety of what may be around the corner. As I look at the very complicated dynamics of my family, I kinda see it like one of those performers. You know, the guy that has 20 glass dishes spinning on long sticks. He is constantly working to keep them spinning. If he can't keep all of them going they will come crashing down. Well, in many ways that is the way I see my family. "God forbid" but if things don't turn out the way we all want them to, our lives are going to be a complete mess. The relationship that my family shares is very complicated. I look at Justin and Daniela and I see that they both deserve more. Not material things. They deserve more time with Diane and I. They deserve more of our patience and understanding. But try as we might, I just don't feel like we are getting it done. I know that we are doing all we can do right now but I just don't feel like it is enough. As far as Cody goes, what can I say that I haven't already said. He deserves so much more. He has never really been able to just be a kid. He has endured more than most of us will go through in a lifetime. I don't know if there is any other way to handle him. We spoil him but yet he is subjected to unspeakable things. There are times that I feel I should be more strict with him while at the same time I feel like I'm too hard on him. Diane and I understand how he has to be dealt with but the kids don't. They can never win. If Cody wants to play a game then he raises cane until someone plays with him. If he wants to play by his rules then that is the way it is. Diane and I understand that he needs to have some kind of control in his life. Unfortunately the kids don't quite understand. They just see Cody as being spoiled, being hard to get along with and always getting his way. Through it all, they truly do love him and know that he loves them. Although they have a good idea of what is going on here, I don't think they know how fragile this situation really is. They see Diane crying, they hear us whispering and they overhear the conversations with the doctors on the phone. I feel so bad for them. With these past couple of years and what potentially could happen in the future I see many years of therapy and counseling in their future.

Diane and I handle this stress in very different ways. It grabs her and doesn't let go. She has a hard time keeping it all inside. At times it overwhelms her and comes spilling out. Me on the other hand, I tend to try and not focus so hard on the potential bad things. It doesn't mean that I don't worry about it. It really makes my heart ache to think about it. So as part of my self protective mechanism I focus on other things. I guess time will tell what was the best way to deal with all of this. Right now all I can do is spin dishes and hope they don't all come crashing down.

Thanks for reading....