The hardest thing I have ever had to do....

I knew I was going down to the hospital to sign some papers when I took Cody in yesterday. I even had a good idea what papers I was going to sign. Besides the authorization of Cody's medical records to be given to another hospital if necessary I had to do the unthinkable. I had to fill out "Do Not Resuscitate" papers for my son.Diane had spoken with the Dr. before I left for the hospital and the Dr. told here that she was going to have the papers ready to sign. You can never be prepared for that. The Dr. hopes that they will not be needed down there but we have to be prepared for the worse. With every stroke of the pen it was all I could do to see as my eyes were welling up. This is just not the way it is suppose to be.

So all the plans are in place, the cloths are packed and we are ready to go. We just hope that Cody can enjoy this trip for the whole week. Yesterday's visit to the hospital turned out to be much longer than we expected. He was scheduled to get plasma which we knew about. Then some of his liver numbers can back pretty bad. Cody has been complaining of a tummy ache the past few days. We didn't know if he was constipated from the morphine or what was going on. It turns out that he may have an infection in his liver. It is very swollen and has been bothering him most of the day and night. Up until now it was just his bilirubin numbers that were out of wack. But now they are all heading in the wrong direction. So, he was given two IV antibiotics before we left which he will have to be given our whole trip. We pray that it works because as it stands now we don't know what will give out first, his lungs or liver. He may not make it the full week.

Our little boy is slipping away from us right before our eyes. He no longer wants to wrestle with his brother or Chris. He just doesn't have it. He is very irritable and is so hard on Justin and Daniela although I'm sure he doesn't mean to be. Every once in a while there is a ray of light that shines through those dark clouds when he starts to laugh. Yesterday Justin went with us to the hospital. They were laying in the bed together while Cody was getting his infusion and Cody said something that made Justin laugh while he had a mouth full of soda. Justin could hardly keep from spitting the soda out all over the room. Well this made Cody laugh so hard. It almost made me cry to see them like that. I couldn't help but think that we will be so removed from those kind of moments in the days to come.

The doctors have been so helpful in getting us prepared for this trip. Dr. Abu-Gosh has been the best. She has been with Cody since the day he was first diagnosed 4 1/2 years ago. She is family. She has contacted the cancer center down in Orlando and the hospital down in Vero Beach where we are going. She has sent all of Cody's medical info to each of them so they will be ready just in case we have to go.