I wish.......

I had some good news to report. Cody's declining health continues to consume our every waking moments. I had a chance to speak with Diane a little while last night. She didn't really want to talk that much and was extremely tired after the day at the hospital. Cody had blood drawn, and had his radiation treatment to his chest while waiting for an opening at ultrasound. His liver numbers continue to climb and the doctors are very concerned. They are meeting with the liver specialists today to discuss his situation. Things are not looking good at all. He continues to turn yellow which at this point is almost tan. If his liver doesn't soon recover the toxins building up in his little body will poison him. His liver is now moving to the forefront of concern because we can't continue treatment of the cancer with the way things are going. He would've started chemo this week if it were not for his liver. Can you see where I'm going with this?

Last night, after Justin and Daniela went to bed I convinced Cody that he needed a bath. His little feet were starting to stink..... LOL He was eager to play with his boats and little guys. I went back out in the living room with Diane and we could hear him talking to himself while he was conquering the high seas with his little guys. We both looked at each other with a sense of helplessness and I said "you see, he just wants to be a little kid." Through all of this hell, that is all he wants. He wants to play games, read books, eat Big Macs and play with Justin and Chris. As I kissed her she asked me if I was praying. I said "yes, but not just for his healing. I'm praying that he doesn't hurt anymore and have to got through this crap anymore." Why does a little child have to go through this? I will never know the answer to that question.

This all seems to be taking a toll on Justin also. In the past year he was given a prescription for stomach issues. He hadn't been taking it for a couple of months but last night I notice an empty pack lying on the kitchen counter. So I went upstairs and asked if he was taking them again and he said "yes." He told me that his stomach has been hurting at night because he is worried about Cody. Over the past few weeks he seems to be getting into a little trouble on the bus and at school. I can't help but think that this is all linked together.

So, as we wait for word about Cyber Knife and Cody continues his radiation treatments. We pray for his liver to wakeup and start doing what livers do. We are also just trying to enjoy every day together, making memories and trying to keep it all together. In my mind I try to think past today and plan for the warm weather and things I would like to do with the kids and Diane. Through the hell of the past 4 years there has been some good that has come from it all. I feel it has made me a better man. I feel it has made me a better father and husband. I feel it has made me a more compassionate person. Life is a very strange journey. It kinda reminds me of some lyrics to the Eagles song "Waiting in the Weeds."

"The phases of the moon
The chambers of the heart
The egg and dart of small gray
Spiders spinning in the dark
In spite of all the times the web is torn apart"

We just keep going. Through all that life dishes out, we just keep doing what we do.