Monday, December 17, 2007

It's 7:30 am...

I just didn't feel much like getting out of bed today. Cody is supposed to be at the clinic at 11:30. Just knowing that he may be admitted today really ruined our last couple of days. What was supposed to be the first nice family weekend together since Thanksgiving, just didn't turn out that way for me. The kids were being themselves, fighting with each other and tearing the house apart. They broke one of Cody's new toys after I repeatedly told them to quit playing with it so rough. They broke one of Diane's pictures that was sitting on the hutch. Daniela was being her normal 7 going on 25 self. When told to do something she gave me "the look" stomped off while muttering under her breath. I ended up sending both of them to their rooms for an hour.

We did go to see the Festival of Lights last night. It has become a yearly tradition for use. They deck a local park out with lights and you pay $20 to drive through it. We really do like it.

I'm starting to feel angry now. I'm starting to question why a God would do this to any child. I watched Cody playing the past few days and I can't help but think that this will be the best his is going to feel in a long time. The cumulative effect of each chemo is very hard to watch on any person let alone a child. He is just starting to eat again. He's just starting to be himself without getting angry at the drop of a hat. My hope is that someday no one will ever have to watch while their child is being poisoned just to try and save their life. The whole concept seems so archaic. As much as I try not to, I can't help but think how terrible it would feel to not have Cody in my life. How can I put him through this? How can I not do what the doctors say is the only way to save his life. I look at him and I just feel like running away with him and taking him from all of this pain and suffering. I looked at his group soccer picture yesterday for the first time. I'm an idiot for not seeing that he was getting sick again. It is in his eyes. The look of pain... I hate all of this....


Monica Cassier said...

OK MIck. You're hitting the wall. I have no advice, answers or anything to make what you are going through better. I wish you weren't having to live this nightmare. Hang in there. Tomorrow iwll be better. And the hope is that while Cody may miss this Christmas, he'll be around for a whole bunch more. Hang in there, pal. Be strong for your boy.


ElizabethNYC (RWOL) said...

Mickey, I'm so sorry things are so rough right now, for all of you. I can't think of a single thing to say to help. Just know that there are lots of us out here wishing we could take some of the worry from you and Diane, and some of the pain from Cody.

Prayers for all of you,

Getttin Older said...

I'm with Monica and Liz. I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better. Be strong Mickey. Call me anytime.


Anonymous said...

You have been so strong Mickey. Monica nailed it with the "hitting the wall" analogy. Your anger and frustration are legitimate. Not being able to help or protect our children is terrifying. We have to take some solace in doing what we can and giving our best. You have and you will.
You and Cody are amazing. We are all here to listen and do whatever we can. Prayers and positive thoughts continue. G2G

Mary G. said...

I know how you are feeling. I feel that way many times myself. I want to run away many days too. I just wish both of us could wake up from this dream I feel like we are in. Give Cody a hug for me. I want to come and see you guys but Kimmie is back in the hospital. I don't want to bring anything to Cody. Hang in there you are one great dad!!!

trainingforsub3 said...

Mickey, I'm so sorry to hear what you are continuously going through. I've noticed in your posts that you have only mentioned running once. If you do not have any other source of stress release, as impossible as it seems, you need to find time to run. I know that anybody who does not run, will not understand, and will view your running as something that is not of necessity. But, if you are like me, and you have no other way of releasing stress, then running is of necessity. Maybe you can squeeze it in every other day, but you need to have a release. A sporting event gives you escape for a certain amount of time, but it does not help in dealing with stress.
I had a horrible sequence of events happen to me back in 2001. I made the mistake of not running during this time, and I ended up having psychological problems from the amount of stress that I was under and was unable to deal with.
The same goes for your wife also. Make sure that she has some time to do what helps her deal with stress. I know time is almost impossible to find, but dealing with stress is as important as eating, sleeping, drinking, etc. Do not let yourself reach the breaking point.

Gregory said...


I'm not sure what to write but am still compelled to...hang in others have said, a lot of people are behind you and supporting Cody, your family. Be strong!

Gregory (Pudov)